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FRANKEN-DAD

It’s ben a little distracting around here what with all the banging and clanging coming from down the hall at Muppet Labs. Who knew being where the future is being made today could be so damn noisy?

Still, we’re quite proud here at Pepper HQ to be able to announce our own abomination in the name of science.

Here, let me show you.

*Inserts giant, old-timey key into oversized padlock that holds the chain barring the stout, wooden door. Chains clatter to the floor and the door creaks open ever so slowly. A tall man lumbers out wearing khakis, an officially licensed athletic sweatshirt, and sensible shoes. He looks a little bewildered.*

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…FRANKEN-DAD!

Cue Fay Wray screams

Fear not. He’s gentle. He’s harmless. Yes, a little cranky in the morning and around snack time. And yes, he breaks lots of stuff, but then he fixes it. In honor of Father’s Day this week, I have created for you the ultimate Father’s Day gift: THE PERFECT DAD.

Popular entertainment over the decades has been filled with memorable dads. Only now have we developed the technology to synthesize the best things about those dads and put them all into one pop. We have harnessed the best bits of those classic TV dads and put them into ours. Behold:

The shell is Jack Carter from TV’s “Eureka”, father to Zoe – tall, fit without being obsessively muscular, close cropped-no nonsense haircut. The befuddled grin and stubble top off the look. You can put him in jeans and he’s ready to go, but he can do a suit if you want the white-collar dad instead.

The wisdom is courtesy of “Brady Bunch” patriarch Mike Brady. A blended family of eight kids tasked with coming up with yet another set of hijinks each and every week drove mom Carol Brady and housekeeper Alice batty. Not Mike Brady though. Everyone would be freaking out about the latest crisis – Marsha’s busted nose, Cindy’s missing doll, Mommy can’t sing on Christmas morning, whatever – and Mike would shuffle in and be all like, “Chill, dudes. You see kids…” then he’d tell them what’s up and how to fix it. Everyone would go, “You’re right, Dad!” and be all happy again. Then Mike Brady could go off camera and drink or whatever he did to make it through such a demanding life.

The clothes are courtesy of Cliff Huxtable . Think about “The Cosby Show” and you remember two things, right? Pudding pops and the sweaters Cosby always wore. They just said, “I’m a dad,” didn’t they?

The urge to avoid confrontation and fix stuff comes from Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. That guy was always rebuilding the lawn mower for more power, souping up the vacuum cleaner, whatever. Something would explode or otherwise meet an untimely end and someone in the family would get pissed. Tim wouldn’t know what to do so he’d go chat over the back fence with Wilson who’d give him marching orders and Tim would go carry them out. Our perfect dad, we believe, harnesses the Tool Man’s creativity, tempered by Mike Brady’s wisdom. If not, well, double-check your homeowner’s insurance.

The sense of humor is from Homer Simpson. Sure, Homer’s an idiot, but he’s a big-hearted, laid back idiot. Dads don’t always need the witty repartee of a Broadway play to laugh. Sometimes, they need “Spider-pig, spider-pig…!”

So, before I put Franken-Dad away until next year – Wave, Franken-Dad!  *Franken-Dad waves maniacally* – let me just say this: It doesn’t matter if your dad is tall or short, fat or thin, smart or dumb as a politician, funny or dry as paste left in the school supply box too long. He’s a dad, he does his best. And if he doesn’t, well, help him. He needs it.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!

Thanks to whoever put these pictures on Google Images

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One thought on “FRANKEN-DAD

  1. Pingback: Reading Digest: Groening Retires Edition « Dead Homer Society

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