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You know how on late night talk shows when the big star cancels they scramble around to fill the segment with any D-list celebrity they can get? This week’s post is sort of like that.

I had a topic in mind. Both topical and timely. Potentially helpful. But I just couldn’t get excited about it. It didn’t gel. So, the Tom Hanks of blog posts cancelled. Bring on that guy from that show people used to like.

Summer is in full swing. And that means the big top is going up all across the country for circus season. But let’s face it. The circus isn’t what it was in Barnum’s day. The circus could use a little help. I figured I could either unleash my personal army of highly trained tigers or knit monogrammed slip covers for pillows for the trapeze artists to land on OR offer this list of CLOWN NAMES I JUST THOUGHT OF. I think I made the right call. Less consumption of innocent humans and subsequent big cat poo to clean up. Also, I can’t knit.

So,we proudly (desperately) present:


  1. PUNCHY – Bright, happy, clothes and makeup, but with a perpetually pained expression on his face. Other clowns encourage the kids to scream for them, but the sound of children just makes Punchy flinch. We don’t know his back story, but it clearly involved a group of four-year-olds who were definitely NOT afraid of clowns.
  2. SLOPPY – The name is self-evident. A fun game for the kids in the crowd will be to guess what exactly is that substance trailing behind him as does his antics in the center ring. Maybe the follow-up monkey act could be a chimp with a broom and dustpan.
  3. STINKY – Featured performer on really hot, Midwestern summer days.
  4. ROMNEY – We swear, this is NOT a political commentary. But, to us, “Romney” really sounds like a clown’s name, especially when you give him a little sidekick named “Mitt.” Hey! Another great idea! “Romney and The Mitt” would be a kick-ass cartoon on the Nick cable channel. “Mitt, get over here and tell these penguins who’s in charge.” “Right away,Romney!” (Hey, Nick, email me for info about where to send the check.)
  5. SENDIN – As in, “Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.” Get it? No? That song reference is too old? Come on people. It’s Stephen Sondheim! And Sinatra! (the version in my head anyway) Two great tastes that taste great together. What were we talking about? Oh, right.
  6.  BOB – In the right context, the ubiquitous name “Bob” is hilarious. “Bob the Clown” is one of those.
  7. THE CLOWN FORMERLY KNOWN AS COURT JESTER – for those clowns hoping to trade on past showbiz glory.
  8. FALL GUY -Works either for a particularly acrobatic clown or for a clown who has no problem taking the heat when the bearded lady goes missing.
  9. PANTSLOAD – Does the clown wear those oversized, suspender pants for comic effect or is he hiding something in there? Come on over and find out…
  10. SCARY – Come on, we’re all a little creeped out by clowns. Kids are just the only ones willing to admit it. Might as well own up to it, clowns. Embrace the fear you engender. Go goth, clown, or go home.

Well, I think we’ve done some good work here. In our struggling economy, it’s good to help businesses wherever we can. Think how many more people will be employed in the hiring frenzy when customers start demanding more honesty from their clowns.

I’ll be waiting by the mailbox for my “free cotton candy for life” coupon. (Cue sad Charlie-Brown-Waiting-for-Valentines-music.)


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  1. Assflappo the Clown on said:

    Punchy the Clown is a classic pinball machine by the Alvin G. company. Horny the Clown is in the b-grade slasher Drive Thru. Chester the Clown hangs out by the elementary school. Captain Spaulding is the best though.

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