williamallenpepper

Here's a blog because NOBODY else has one!

OH, CRAP! IS THAT TODAY?!

“Mornin’, Bill.”

“What’s up, Steve?”

Big day, huh?”

“The biggest…why is that?”

Steve grins, points at his lapel.

Bill reads the red, white and blue sticker on Steve’s jacket –  I VOTED. Bill looks at his friend, bewilderment in his eyes.

“Election day, man,” Steve says. “The end of those stupid commercials and robo-calls. You voted…right?”

“Oh, crap! Is that today?!”

Steve nods, but Bill is out the door already. Half way to his car, he remembers he has no idea where his polling place is. He doesn’t bother looking for his voter registration card. He’s not really even sure he has one. After ten minutes sitting in his car, his smartphone battery is dead from trying to find his polling place on the Internet.

Bill stomps back inside. Steve tells him his polling place. Steve ALWAYS knows stuff like that. Steve knows the names of everyone running too. Steve is kind of a douchebag, but Bill doesn’t have time to dwell on that.

Bill’s car takes the turn into the church parking lot too fast, taking out the VOTE HERE sign and scraping his undercarriage on the sloped cement at the entrance at the same time. The lot is full. “Bastard voters,” Bill grumbles. Finally, he parks on the street near a dumpster. He dings his door on the dumpster and steps in a pile of dog crap cutting across the church lawn.

Inside the church, Bill is stunned to discover all those cars had people in them who are now in line ahead of him. He decides to play Angry Birds to pass the time, but can’t because of the dead cell phone battery. This does not improve Bill’s mood.

Finally, it’s Bill’s turn. “Bill Stevens,” he tells the bored, old lady at the folding table. “I’d like to vote.”

“May I see some I.D.?” The woman asks.

Dammit.

Bill drives back to the office to get his wallet. Steve waves cheerfully at his friend. Bill flips him off.

Back at the church, the lot is still full. “DOUBLE BASTARD VOTERS,” Bill shouts, oblivious to the fact it makes no sense. Bill reclaims the dumpster parking spot. He dings his car door again.

Another twenty minutes in line. The bored old lady has apparently taken a smoke break and been replaced by jolly, bearded, middle-aged dude who wants to chat. Bill does NOT want to chat.

Finally, Bill is in the voting booth with his ballet. He recognizes about half the names. He votes for them. Some off them are opposing candidates for the same office. Who cares at this point?  For the races he knows nothing about (What the hell is the Board of Supervisors?), Bill simply votes in alphabetical order.

Finally, Bill is done. His ballot is fed into the machine. Bill is pretty sure he sees an ERROR message as it’s entered, but there’s no turning back now. He doesn’t wait around for his I VOTED sticker.

Out in the parking lot, the dumpster has somehow rolled into Bill’s car, crumpling the front quarter panel. “Stupid dead squirrel,” Bill grumbles, latching on to the only villain he can.

Speeding back to work, Bill gets a ticket.

At the office, struck by Steve’s passion for his community (as evidenced by his I VOTED sticker), the regional manager has given him a promotion.

Bill, unfortunately, is fired for taking too much time off work.

And the moral is: VOTING. YOU’LL DO IT AND LIKE IT, OR ELSE! Also, always wait for the sticker.

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