THINGS I’M GONNA DO BEFORE THE WORLD ENDS
This has been a GRRRRReat day!
Why? I went for lunch, which was cool in itself. But THEN, because I’m such a good customer, the lady behind the counter gave me a freebie. No! Not what you think, pervert!
What I got was a free desk calendar. Yes! Because I had no other conceivable means of knowing what day it is! And now I do!
So let’s check this out…*Flips open calendar* Oh! Duckies! Those are cute. *Flips some more page*. Wait a minute…this calendar isn’t in English. It’s ancient Mayan. Fortunately, I’m fluent in the entire family of Mayan languages, so let’s just see what it says here…What the hell? The calendar isn’t finished. There must have been a printer’s glitch. It only goes up to December 21. Wait, what’s this writing down here? WARNING…
SON OF A BITCH!
The world is gonna end on December 21!
Than ancient Mayans said it. It must be true.They’re all dead. That’s proof enough for me.
But I have too many mistakes to fix for the world to end in, like, a few days.
I should have ordered the steak sandwich.
I should have asked for two calendars.
There’s not much time left. So much to do and literally no time to do it in. You can choose to go out with a bang or a whimper. I choose to bang! (That sounds weird. What the hell? Civilization will soon disappear in a fiery, all-consuming bath of Hell’s wrath. Or something.)
So what should I do first?
- I’m going to renew all my magazine subscriptions. “What’s the point?” you ask. No time to read them anyway? Here’s the thing: it’s payback time. I’ve been getting a magazine for months that I never ordered, have never paid for and don’t want. I’ve contacted customer service at least twice to let them know they don’t have to waste their magazine on me, but I was ignored both times (except that now I’m on their email solicitation list). I can think of few better ways to celebrate the end of history than sticking it t some corporation’s customer service department. Just try to collect that $29.95 from me when my bank is a smoldering cinder along with everything else.
- Pet the cat. Because, you know, the end of all humanity is pretty stressful. Petting cats is soothing.
- Take a whole bunch of piano lessons really fast. I do this as a last gift for Mom because she always regretted that I never took piano lessons. Not much time to learn an instrument though. This one could be hard. Do they make Rosetta Stone for piano?
- Party like it’s 1999!!!! Because, you know, back then we all thought the world was gonna end on New Year’s 2000, so I figure whatever we did then to ring in the end of civilization, which apparently actually saved us, would be a good approach for this time around. Anyone got any sick kids who could cough on me? ’cause, New Years’ 2000, I rang in the end of time by heaving my guts out – and not in a good way. Had a major flu bug. Unfortunately, today, as I write this, I’m feeling pretty good. Damn health is wasted on the end of the world.
- Finally solve the Rubik’s Cube. No, smarty pants, I never have. Feel superior, do you?
- If you fry it, I’ll eat it. Who cares about cholesterol now?
- Watch all my favorite movies one more time. I’m gonna miss you most of all, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
- Clean the basement, because I’m not going to the grave with my wife still hounding me about it.
- Tweet more. When you’re outta time, there’s no such thing as killing it.
- Stop cleaning the litter boxes. F- it. The cats can fend for themselves at this point.
*Phew* Gonna be a busy few days. I just hope the Mayans were right in their calculations and the world doesn’t end soo—