williamallenpepper

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I’M SORRY: NEW YEAR’S EVE EDITION

*A soft knock. Pause. The gentle shifting of feet on carpet. A whispered, “You in there?”.  “Come on. It’s me. We’re cool, right?” Another knock followed by unsolicited entry.*

WOOO! That was some party, huh? Hey, wake up! I got something to get off my chest.

What am I doing here? You invited me. Whaddaya mean “when”? New Year’s Eve. Wait…what day is it? Whoops.

Sorry.

No really. I mean it this time.

I’m sorry I was late to the party…because I was making out with your sister.

I’m sorry I thought it was a costume party.  But I did look awesome in the diaper.

I’m sorry I made you change my diaper.

I’m sorry I sang “Suck it 2012!” at the top of my lungs for an entire hour.

I’m sorry I sang the porno version of “Auld Lang Syne”.

I’m sorry I laughed at your resolutions.

I’m sorry I resolved to “eat a shitload of cheese,” then did.

I’m sorry I put my pointy party hat where I put it. It seemed like it would be funny.

I’m sorry I spit all over you during the New Year’s toast, but I didn’t know champagne tasted so crappy.

I’m sorry that we humans are so consumed by the cheap, hollow pursuits of daily life – TV, computers, rush hour commutes – that are poor substitutes for actually living that we lose site of the fact that time is fleeting are our individual shares of it are so small. *Burp*

I’m sorry I asked every single person at the party, “You want to join me in the closet for one more regret you can make up for in 2013?”

I’m sorry I punched that person who thought my idea about celebrating New Year’s semi-annually was stupid. But, dammit, your mother had it coming. NO ONE disrespects me that way!

I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better friend in 2012. Except that we never met before.

I’m sorry the cops are waiting for me outside.

Same time next year?

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