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April Fool’s Day is upon us. And I’m not kidding about that.

April Fool’s Day is the day…holiday? Is that the word? I mean, we put it on the calendar and note it with the ultimate recognition – blog posts – and “April Fool’s Day!” is a ubiquitous societal catchphrase; like “so’s your mother” and “Tippecanoe and Tyler too”. But is it really a holiday? What I’m asking is, am I obliged to call home or get anybody a gift?

I would like it duly noted here before we proceed, that I spelled “Tippecanoe” right on the first try. Go ahead and look it up. I’ll wait. Dum de dum…

Where were we? Oh, right. So April Fools is a day set aside to fool people. Because nothing says you care like a joke at someone’s expense. There are no cards or gifts or carols. You get pranked. Inconvenienced. Embarrassed. Possibly indicted. Fun times!

So, I say, if you’re going to serve hard time anyway, is just one day really worth it? Hell no! Here, then, is a whole April Fool’s MONTH worth of pranks you can use. No need to thank me. Or should that be…No need to PRANK me! Har!

  1. Duct tape and waggly appendages go together like peanut butter and chocolate.
  2. They’ll protest, but trust us, cats think it’s hysterical when you shave them.
  3. Develop a reality show that’s nothing but celebrities diving into water.
  4. Stand on a street corner and throw crumpled pieces of paper at random people while screaming, “It’s a shopping list! I said ‘buy more ketchup’! How hard is that!?!?!”
  5. Tell Jay Leno he’s number one in late night, then start building a studio for his replacement.
  6. Tell your spouse you’d love some real French wine and while she’s flying to France to get it, empty out her closet so she can’t find her stuff when she gets home. Then, all you say is, “You only got one bottle!?!?”
  7. Toaster socks.
  8. Hint: Ground coffee looks a lot like mouse droppings.
  9. Wear a court jester’s outfit to work. Unless you actually are a court jester. In that case, wear a suit and tie.
  10. Unleash a computer virus that cripples the banking system, then, when you get caught, just say “April Fool!” That fixes anything.
  11. Fill your pockets with cotton balls then go stand next to the bunny cage at the petting zoo. When some kids walk about, chuck the cotton balls on the ground and clutch your stomach, groaning, “I shouldn’t have eaten that last one…you guys want the tails?”
  12. Send the IRS an I.O.U. for your tax payment with “April Fools” in small print at the bottom.
  13. Give “Fifty Shades of Gray” a Pulitzer
  14. Hide the Pop-Tarts
  15. Go the grocery store bakery aisle and cut the crusts off all the loaves of bread.
  16. Cause a stampede at the mall by standing in front of the floor model TV at the electronics store and shouting, “Hey! Breasts!”
  17. Three words: Zoo. Hats. Penguins.
  18. Three more words: Grease. Seniors. Hallway.
  19. Chop off your arm, dump a bunch of ketchup on it…oh, wait, sorry, obviously you want to pretend to chop off your arm. Can’t believe I messed that up again…oh shit! I gotta make a phone call.
  20. Argue with anyone who will listen that “The Hobbit” is WAY better than “Lord of the Rings”.
  21. Buy a whole bunch of stuff on Amazon and demand free shipping. Zing! Take that, corporate America.
  22. Creamed cauliflower. Do whatever you want with it. It has to be a joke.
  23. Whoopee cushions – filled with Pop Rocks.
  24. Gift wrap everything on the shelves at Wal-Mart. If the employees hassle you…who’s kidding who. They’ll still ignore you.
  25. Before your spouse gets home, clean the house, take out the trash, cook dinner and fold the laundry. He/she won’t know what the hell is wrong with you.
  26. Tell your roommate you’re so sick of him stealing your Cheetos, you planted dynamite in the kitchen cabinet. When he turns to run, pop an air-filled paper bag. Help him mop up afterwards.
  27. Thinking outside the box. Applesauce isn’t just for eating.
  28. Fill all the pockets in the clothes in your wife’s closet with peanut butter. She’ll laugh. Honest.
  29. Tell the kids Big Bird is really Santa and Santa is really a dentist from Milwaukee and the dentist from Milwaukee is really Barney the Dinosaur. They’ll be perplexed for hours and you can finish watching the game.
  30. Empty a vodka bottle, fill it with tap water and take it with when you and your dog go to the dog park. Fill a bowl and let Fido lap it up. When observers marvel at this, say, “That’s nothing. You should how he mows through the pot brownies.? Next time at the park, you won’t have to wait in line for anything.

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