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They come in that shiny bag.

They’re so perfectly…triangular. Except when they’re broken, but that’s okay because, inexplicably, more of the glowing orange “cheese” goo manages to stick when they’re broken than when they’re whole.

I love glowing orange “cheese” goo.

I love Doritos.

It’s not quite true “goo” anyway. It’s sort of a weird hybrid. Looks and feels like dust on the chip until you take a bite when it turns into some sort of faux-creamy substance with just the right mix creamy-esque goodness and saltiness to make you crave both more chips and a beer or soda. Milk, water and juice don’t cut it. I’ve tried.

Beer or soda is important. It’s like Oreos with anything other than milk. You can do it…but why?

I read an article recently about how processed food manufacturers a long time ago hit upon the “bliss point.” They have perfected the recipes for chips and cookies and other comfort foods to such a degree that we consumers get a taste and instantly crave more.

And here’s the kicker: we can’t stop. The bliss point isn’t really a fixed point at all. We can’t ever get there. There’s something about Doritos and other snacks like them that makes us enjoy them so much, we can’t stop eating them. The stick keeps moving the carrot farther down the wagon trail and the donkey (that’s us) keeps following it. Insert your own ass jokes here.

I wouldn’t say I can’t stop eating them exactly. In fact, lately I’ve been counting calories, so I’ve learned to ration my snacks (FYI: eleven Dorito chips = 140 calories)

Side note: You want to lose weight? Don’t diet. You can’t lose weight long term on proclomations of “I’m only going to eat oregano-dipped leprecauns!” or whatever the fad is. Eating whatever you want to eat and counting the calories, however, is eye opening. You know which foods are good and which are bad in general, but you probably have no idea HOW bad. Like bread, for example. Huge calorie dump. Beer too. Gin, however, is quite cheap, calorie-wise, so it’s not all bad. And, as noted eleven Doritos = 14o calories. No, I’m not satisfied after only eleven chips, but I have discovered I am…satisfied-ish.

Counting those calories makes you curb the bad foods (high calorie – go figure) and up the quotient of good foods (veggies and fruit are dirt cheap, calorie-wise) without really even trying. You just do it because you’re hungry, dammit.

Still…Original Doritos are still my favorite. Cool ranch are pretty good. When you could get them, Pizza Supreme might have even replaced the originals in my heart (Literally probably. Hello, future hypertension) Alas, they are no more. I don’t have time for the Blazin’ Hot Nuclear Mustard Gas Gran Torino Motorcycle Rally Super Cinammon chips or whatever the other flavors are called. To me, the original Doritos are like the old Atari 2600 or maybe Nintendo 64: easy to pick up and enjoy for hours. These new flavors are too…complex. The X-Box of snack foods. The frenzy of flavors is like all the weird button-combos you need to make the X-Box equivalent of Mario walk from the pipe with Luigi in it to the one with Princess Peach in it. Or whatever.

I just want to enjoy a snack, not take a masters-level course in eating.


*No, I’m not stoned.

**At least, I don’t think so.

***You gonna finish those chips?


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