So, apparently some scientists at Boston Children’s Hospital have hit upon a microparticle that can be injected into a body to oxygenate the bloodstream. It works even if the patient has difficulty breathing or EVEN if the person can’t breathe at all. There are lots of medical possibilities for this particle to keep patients alive until they can be operated on and what not. The article I read also pointed out some non-medical application – like, say, letting Navy Seals and deep-sea rescue crews stay under water longer.
All of this got me thinking. What other stuff could be injected into us that would be beneficial? We already put God knows what into our bodies every day anyway (what exactly are Pop-Tarts made of? Never mind.) We might as well start making stuff work for us a little bit. Here are some ideas:
1. The Internal Muzak capsule. A tiny microchip is implanted under the skin that senses when you’re bored – listening to your brother-in-law’s views on Congress, stuck talking to that weird dude at the office Christmas party, long family car trips – and automatically turns out a serene selection of your favorite music to drown out the chatter.
2. The Pee Machine. Getting up to pee is such a chore. Come on, science! Why haven’t you fixed this for us? You created the roomba for god’s sake! Imagine if you could develop some sort of microorganism that eats pee. Just shoot up right there on the couch with this little particle and enjoy another beer without having to worry about the consequences. Except, you know, getting drunk and losing the love and support of your friends and family.
3. Facebook For The Brain. Good with names, but can’t remember faces? Vice versa? Here’s the answer. An enzyme injected directly into the brain (you won’t feel a thing, honest) that gives you total recall of the appearance and biographical info of everyone you’ve ever met. I’m all over this one. Except that one waiter at The Outback. That bastard. He’s dead to me. (When I say I want a Bloomin’ Onion, I want it RIGHT NOW.)
4. Injectable mocha lattes. Just ’cause I really dig mocha.
5. A particle that causes you to secrete some sort of hormone that repels people who hand out pamphlets on street corners or come to your door to sell you stuff.
6. New-Age Steroids. Instead of big muscles and ‘roid rage, maybe these new ones could give you, I dunno, a greater capacity to empathize with your fellow humans. And, of course, tiny gonads.
7. Some sort of fat blocker that lets the good parts of a bacon cheeseburger into the heart area and kicks the rest to the curb.
8. Some sort of serum that makes me understand why anyone STILL cares what the Kardashians are doing. Also Kate Goselin, Glen Beck, and Sarah Palin.
Well, that’s it for this week on Science Corner. You’ve got your mission, scientists of the world. Make us proud. Or at least give us something that makes us forget how disappointed we are.