Here's a blog because NOBODY else has one!



Where would we be without them?

Nowhere, obviously.

Come on. You never took biology? See, when a man and woman love each other very much…


Mother’s Day is the day set aside to honor our mommies. And what better way to do that than by admitting all the ways you’ve screwed her over?

And so, without further adieu….Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom, after all the heartache I put you through, it’s so awesome of you to come down here and visit me at my great new job. But…I’m sorry, you’re going to have to move your car. You’re blocking the drive thru.

I’m sorry your waiter screwed up your drink order, but Grampa is doing the best he can.

I’m sorry I never took piano lessons like you always wanted. On the other hand, when you didn’t want me to bludgeon that satellite TV guy, I restrained myself, didn’t I?

I’m sorry Dad never appreciated you like I do. I mean, Dad never even asked for bail money, did he?

I’m sorry the food at our Mother’s Day brunch wasn’t very good. I’m hoping the prosecutor uses that as a mitigating factor at our trial for breaking into those people’s house.

Further, I’m sorry about taking the last hush puppy off the buffet. I know how much you like them…which makes my decision to spit the hush puppy out on the floor when the crunchy part felt a little too crunchy seem even more selfish.

I’m sorry the baker messed up the decoration on the cake. I KNOW I clearly said, “It should say ‘Have a great day, Mother Funckner‘.” I hope, Mrs. Funckner,  you won’t call off your daughter’s and my wedding.

I’m sorry Mother’s Day is only one day. I mean, come on, we get Monday off for PRESIDENT’S DAY! We can’t get a freakin’ three-day weekend for this? I work and I work and for what? We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t figure out a calendar and…uh, oh, by the way, love you, Mom.

I’m sorry I invited my sister to your party, but, seriously, she only tried to burn down the house one time. Get over it already.

I’m sorry Hallmark doesn’t make a card that says “Happy Mother’s Day from the son you don’t like as much as Peter”, but, you could at lest have waited until I left the room to say it.

I’m sorry the flowers I got you were plastic. On the upside, the chocolates were real. Mostly.




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