NEITHER RAIN NOR SLEET NOR…BURP…
The United States Postal Service is broke.
What’s that you ask? Postal Whatsit?
Oh, is that the thing where you write stuff BY HAND, shove it in the envelope, lick it (ewww) and buy,ugh, stamps and pay civil servants – who everyone knows are greedy bastards even lower than teachers – to mail them for you?
Yes, the US mail has been around for generations, delivering our letters, bills and packages all over the world. But with the advent of the fax, then competing private delivery services like FedEx, and email, the postal service’s share of the delivery market has eroded. Fifteen billion dollars in losses last year. And prospects for a bright future aren’t good. I doubt even another round of dead celebrity stamps can save them.
But, don’t worry. The postal service has a plan…
No, that’s not it.
Mandatory weekly plasma donations from all employees. An extra fifteen minute break each week for every additional bodily fluid the employee puts up.
Oh, right. I know what it was: the US postal service is getting into the moonshine business.
Uncle Jesse is the new Postmaster General. Boss Hogg, secretary of commerce.
Kidding! (Those dang Duke boys put me up to it.)
Seriously, though,the postal service is considering raising cash – an estimated $50 million per year – by lifting a longtime ban on shipping alcohol.
We think this is a fabulous idea. Raise some money. Plus, this will give letter carriers something to drink while they bust into your mail to look at your porn. “Your box of Wild Turkey seems to have broken, Mrs. Johnson. good thing you bought the insurance…burp.”
Great as this idea is, we here at the blog think it doesn’t go far enough. $50 million barely puts a dent in a $15 billion debt. They need to think bigger. Here are some ideas:
1. The Heisenberg Principle: the US Postal Service could take a cue from Walter White on the AMC show “Breaking Bad”. When he needed to raise a lot of cash, he didn’t screw around with second day air Merlots and overnighting hard cider. Walt knew the real money is in hard core drugs. Now Walter “Heisenberg” White is a meth kingpin. And, call me a patriot with his heart and flag on his sleeve, but,dammit, OUR GOVERNMENT CAN BE A KINGPIN TOO.
2. The Daily-MALE Strip-o-gram. The pith helmet. The knee-length, blue shorts with the stripe up the side. Oh, yeah. Come on, ladies, you know you want some of this.
3. Sure it’s exciting when the mail carrier brings a package to your door. But think how much more exciting – and lucrative – it would be if they could offer just a little bit more. Maybe you don’t tip your mailperson for that package (okay, you definitely don’t), but I bet you would if they could offer you something even more cool than your latest shipment of Paperclips From Around the World.
For example, for a fee, the carrier could offer to pretend to be the candy-gram/landshark from the old “Saturday Night Live” bit.
Bring back lickable postage stamps. That taste like chocolate truffles. Mint ones. Oh, yeah…
Want to reenact a favorite movie? The postman will ring twice if you want. For a little more…even THREE times. The US Postal Service: Emphasis on SERVICE. For a fee.
For an extra five bucks, your letter carrier will shout “Speedy Delivery” in a Mr. McFeely voice while doing a fan dance with “Reader’s Digests” for fans.
They need money, folks. And need ain’t pretty.
Save the Post Office. Mail a letter.