williamallenpepper

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LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH JUST GOT REAL

Scientists at National Taiwan University, with apparently nothing better to do, have invented a small sensor that fits inside a tooth cavity and sends a constant stream of data to your doctor about what you’re eating or drinking based on the movements of your mouth and tongue.

My favorite part of the article I read about this (this one) is this: “Safety is still a big concern, though. The prototype needed to be attached to a tether so participants don’t swallow the device, and so the electronics remain intact when wet.” So, perhaps a little more time on the drawing board would have been in order before those scientists marched into people’s pieholes.

So, is it worth it? What exactly is your doctor going to learn about you that she couldn’t get from, you know, just asking? You’d be happy to tell her, right, what with all those hours of free time you have sitting around the waiting room for your appointment?

Here’s what a typical day with the tooth sensor probably looks like:

6:00 a.m. Awaken, stretch, yawn and gag uncontrollably because when you were sitting up in bed, your tooth tether got tangled in the headboard.

6:00 a.m. – The sensor is overcome by morning breath. “What died in here?” is transmitted in electronic pulse morse code. It takes ten minutes to reboot the sensor.

6:15 a.m. Brushing your teeth. Uppers – bzzzt! Lowers – bzzt! Small circles, back and forth – bzzt bzzt BZZT! SONOFABITCH!

7:00 a.m. – Breakfast. You take a bite. The info is relayed to your doctor’s office you sends a message back. “FOUR doughnuts? Really, Lardbutt.”

8:00 a.m. – OHMIGOD, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST PUT IN YOUR MOUTH?!??!?!

10:00 a.m. – Compliment your boss on her great new outfit. Your doctor knows you’re lying. Your boss doesn’t.

12:00 pm.- Lunch. Your doctor knows about the chilli burger with extra cheese. Also, chewing a stick of Juicy Fruit isn’t fooling her. She knows about the beer too.

2:09 p.m. – SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH!?!?!?!?!

3:17 p.m. – You’re not smoking, are you?

3:23 p.m. – The screech of the third floor restroom fire alarm confirms that, yes, you were smoking. Also, the frequency of the sound emitted resonates with your tooth sensor causing you to shiver and pee yourself uncontrollably for several minutes.

4:38 p.m. – The tooth sensor likes chocolate truffles. SOOOOOOO much. You drool uncontrollably. And electrocute yourself.

7:19 p.m. – Dinner. The tooth sensor thinks you need more paprika in the sauce. The tooth sensor is an idiot.

11:29 p.m. – Grinding your teeth in your sleep causes electrical arcing so bright, the neighbors call the cops to complain. You go to jail where you trade your tooth sensor for a pack of smokes. As you do in jail.

All in the name of science.

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