MOM, HIS UNIVERSE IS TOUCHING MY UNIVERSE!
So, Discover Magazine ran this article that says, basically, all that mysterious stuff floating around the universe that we can detect scientifically, but can’t actually see, so called “dark matter”, might actually be evidence of another universe; a universe that our own universe might be sitting on top of right now, forcing it to say “uncle”.
And now scientists think they might have a way to sort of light up this dark matter so that we can see what it is. How are they going to do this? Well, all this technical stuff that isn’t as fun as thinking about little space aliens flailing their tentacles saying, “Hey, get off! Come on, guys. You’re squishing me!”
No offense, space-people.
The scientists are feeling pretty confident they will find a way to look inside dark matter. They don’t know exactly what they’ll find.
But I do.
Get ready, Discovery Channel. You’ll be wanting to do a whole special about my amazing predictions. I’m all set for my TV debut. I’ve already got my make-up on.
So here’s what’s out there:
1. Evil doppelgangers Everyone knows that parallel universes are always populated by people who look exactly like us, only a lot more pissed off about everything.
2. And they have goatees.
3. My original Star Wars Millenium Falcon. It disappeared when I was a kid. I looked everywhere. Except a parallel universe.
I feel so stupid for not having thought of that.
Buckle up for light speed, Chewie.
4. Entire planets that have never heard of cauliflower.
(This one might be more of a hope than a scientific analysis. I really don’t like cauliflower. Don’t tell my kids.)
5. Large-breasted, Amazonian dinosaurs parallel-parking rocket cars outside the diner where all the food comes in pellet-form.
6. Rose Tyler.
(That one’s for you, Doctor Who fans.)
7. Affordable health care.
8. Cats and dogs working together in cooperative alliances to enslave their human cattle.
9. Sticks of butter, car hoods and kids’ sandboxes with the imprints of myriad butts from our universe. You know, from all the parallel universe squishing.
10. An entire planet with nothing but keychains, old socks, combs, eyeglasses and the purity lost by the peoples of our own universe.
I’ll be waiting by the phone for Stockholm to call about when I can pick up my Noble Prize.