williamallenpepper

Here's a blog because NOBODY else has one!

THEY’LL GET YOUR GOAT – AT REASONABLE RATES

So, there’s this company called Eco-Goats. If you’re like me (and God help you if you are), you’ll be disappointed to know this is NOT a company that specializes in recordings of goats bellowing into valleys, Mason jars and fish bowls, only to have the “baaaaaa” echo back in comical ways.

Actually, what the company does is rent out goats for landscaping purposes. (The echoing “baas”, perhaps, are a bonus for frequent flyers.) The goats eat weeds – including, damn, poison ivy – and leave the grass alone to grow. Goat poop is a bonus touch to help your law flourish. It’s cheaper than mowing, more environmentally friendly, and, of course, makes a good human interest story.

This is all well and good. But the thing that really jumped out at me in the piece I heard on some radio show is where the eco-goats guy said, “And the goats can climb trees.”

WHOA! WHAT DID HE SAY?

GOATS CLIMB TREES???

CAN ARMAGEDDON BE FAR BEHIND????

SAVE US BEN AFFLECK!

I MEAN, BATMAN!

DAMN, THAT SOUNDS WEIRD! BEN AFFLECK IS BATMAN??? IT’LL TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO!

Anyway, what was I talking about?

So, the Internet is full of posts like this. The gist generally is that it feels weird to see a goat in a tree, but that hardly any sentient being on the planet didn’t already know this was a thing.

Well, excuuuuuuse me.

I didn’t know goats could climb trees, so what? I do like that this otherworldly superpower of the family bovidae, genus capra is being put to good, commercial use. It would do society no good to have idle goats with time on their hooves looking for thrills by climbing random, suburban trees, terrorizing the locals with their bleating. What’s next? Front porch steps? Step-stools (how will we change our light bulbs if there are goats all over our step-stools?)? The corporate ladder?

Run, Warren Buffett! If you hear bleating, run!

Donald Trump…eh, you’re on your own.

President Obama, we need you!

But first, make sure all the second floor windows at the White House are locked.

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