SEE YA, SUCKERS
This is my last blog post.
I’ve enjoyed the blog. I really have. The chance to vent. The chance to laugh. The copious shipments of undergarments from my number one fan Kate Upton.
Recently, I got an email that changed my life.
No, not the male enhancement email.
No, not the one from the Nigerian prince.
No, not the one from the enhanced male prince. (I swear I don’t know how THAT site ended up in my browser.)
MY email was the digital equivalent of my ship coming in because, you see, I’M ABOUT TO GET RICH!
Here’s a portion of the email I got:
We’re pleased to tell you that you are eligible for gift certificate credits thanks to recent legal settlements between States Attorneys General, Class and two eBook publishers. Barnes & Noble was not a party to the settlements but as a NOOK® customer, you can take advantage of the benefits agreed to by the settling publishers.
If you already received a previous notice regarding three similar settlements, you are receiving this letter because you are eligible for more gift certificate credits now if the Court gives final approval to the additional settlements with eBook publishers, Penguin and Macmillan.
There is nothing you need to do to receive the credits. If the Court grants final approval you will receive credits automatically in the form of an electronic gift certificate sent via email. Once the settlements’ claim period ends, the Attorneys General will calculate the amount of your credits.
First thing, I’m gonna do is gold plate my toilet. How will I do that with a gift card to Barnes & Noble? Well, if you were rich like me, you’d know.
My favorite part of this is that to cash in on my big windfall, I don’t have to do a damn thing. Free money! That’s what we’re all about in America, isn’t it? Well, that and French fries?
So, here’s me signing off. It’s been real. I’ll miss you. But don’t worry, I’ll still be around. Sort of. Some of my millions will go toward erecting statues in my likeness in every Starbucks in the country. You may honor me with offerings of mocha.
GOLD mocha, that is.
Farewell. (*Blows sloppy wet kisses*)