williamallenpepper

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POOP – IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER

The Asian Palm Civet from southeast Asia…

What? Oh. Hold on, here’s one:

Asian Palm Civet

(Thanks, Wikipedia)

Anyway, the Asian Palm Civet pick ripe coffee cherries, eat the fruit, and crap out the coffee beans. The beans are collected, cleaned (we hope) and sold in stores.

Fill it to the rim…with poo.

Scientists are discovering that many people who are allergic to chocolate, might not actually be allergic to the chocolate in the chocolate, but rather the COCKROACH PARTS in the chocolate. An average eight insect parts are found in the typical chocolate part and the FDA is totally cool with that. Allergy sufferers are not.

And hot dogs…well, we don’t have room in this post to detail the crimes against humanity perpetrated by hot dogs.

The point is, food is disgusting.

We should embrace that.

Instead of Food Network, let’s launch OHMIGOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT!?!?!? Network.

But only if Alton Brown gets a show on our new network.

Alton Brown is the bomb.

Of course, you can’t say things are “the bomb” anymore because it sounds terrorist-y.

Also, it’s stupid.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Right, food makes us sick.

You know how sometimes they call tapioca “fish eyes in glue”? Actually, I don’t know if “they” do that, but I know I saw it in a “Dennis the Menace” cartoon when I was a kid. Well, why not just serve up big bowls of fish eyes in glue? Not real glue, of course. Some sort of flour/water thing. The fish eyes have to be real of course. We’re not crazy.

At Halloween, kids like to serve up cold spaghetti and call it “brains.” Peeled grapes that feel like eyeballs. Well, I say, why go half-assed?

Happy Halloween! It’s for the kids. Come on, grow a pair!

That reminds me, way more restaurants should put Rocky Mountain oysters on the menu.

Whut

Yep. Bull calf testicles. You can use sheep or pig, of course, if you’re a weenie (har!), but for my money, bull calf is where it’s at.

While we’re at it, let’s find some other balls to put on menus. The more animal privates on my plate, the better, I say.

And bugs! Lots of bugs. Chocolate covered! Mustard covered! Bug-covered bugs. Worm covered bugs.

So, how about gastronomes of the grotesque? What would you like to see on your menu from Hell?

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