williamallenpepper

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I’M SORRY – FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN EDITION

Well, I’m just a bill. Yes, I’m only a bill. And I’m sittin’ here on Capitol Hill..

No. Fuck it. I’m not just a bill. I can’t get off that easy. I’m a huge embarrassment.

I’m the federal government.

And I’m everything that’s wrong with America.

Well, except the Kardashians. I’m not claiming responsibility for them.

We teach our kids to be nice. To share. To respect people. Then they grow up and because they’re such awesome people now,thanks to our excellent parenting, we encourage them to run for public office.

So they do.

And everything goes to hell.

So, this is me, your federal government, apologizing. Begging your forgiveness.

You know about the big stuff. National parks are closed. Nonessential employees don’t get paid. But there are so many, many more egregious consequences of this shut down. (Congress members still get paid though! Woot woot!)

And now, the reading of the sins.

I’m sorry that because the shut down forced the government to send “nonessential” employees home, there was no one available to return Ted Cruz’s copy of “Green Eggs and Ham” to the Library of Congress. Even we think a seven trillion dollar fine is excessive.

I’m sorry Harry Reid’s personal “dude who attaches the garters to the black knee highs” was also let go. No one wants to see wrinkled old guy ankles.

I’m sorry that there aren’t more “time out” corners in the capitol.

I’m sorry Netflix service to the White House has been interrupted. President Obama was only half way through marathoning “Orange is the New Black”.

I’m sorry  the Statue of Liberty is making noises about not coming back after the shutdown.

I’m sorry the oath of government office doesn’t come with a lie detector test.

I’m sorry some people enjoy power more than governing. But, hey, we all love Oreos, am I right?

I’m sorry politicians spend so much time claiming to fight for “the will of the American people” without ever actually asking the people what they want.

I’m sorry the Congressional cafeteria only has two kinds of Jell-O nowbut we all have to make sacrifices.

I’m sorry that I’m too tired, too disillusioned, too sad to think of more sories.

And that is the sorriest thing of all.

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