williamallenpepper

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WHAT THE FREE HOTEL BREAKFAST BAR IS MISSING

I stayed at a hotel recently that offered “free hot breakfast”. The fare was the normal stuff: corn flakes and rice krispies, fruit slightly past its prime but not so much they couldn’t serve it, the waffle station with the waffle iron that only works half the time and at a quarter of the speed it should, English muffins and bagels, eggs and bacon, both of which were offered in colors other than naturally occurring.

All standard stuff. And, once you get past the fact that a bunch of strangers at various levels of the morning hygiene ritual are pawing through the same warmed-over sausage gravy, decent enough for the free meal.

Still…

Extravagant as the spread was, I couldn’t help but wonder what else the hotel could be offering to make the dining experience just a little more special.

Things like gold-covered plastic utensils. The forks still snap when you stab a sausage link, but the little shower of gold flakes renders your plate of food inedible. The only thing better than free hotel food is being spared from eating free hotel food.

Disposable cones of silence you can put around yourself so that the screaming kid two, tiny tables over and they old dude smacking a mouthful of undercooked blueberry waffle don’t bother you. The cone might also just about mute the sound of the annoying morning news anchor on the TV.

How about jelly packets in extra-large thimble size?

The possibilities are endless, hotel chains. Take notes. And, if you feel so inclined, send me some free soaps or something as a thank you. I could only fit so many in my suitcase when I checked out last time.

 

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