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Halloween has been around as an organized holiday for a long time. Back in 1743, Louis St. Halloween carved the first jack o’lantern. He was promptly hanged for Jack’s murder. After that, everyone switched to pumpkins,

Or something like that.

Point is, Halloween is a well-established event steeped in time-honored tradition. That doesn’t mean, though, that there isn’t room for improvement. Here are just a few humble suggestions.

Forget bobbing for apples. That’s so 1940 (or something). Let’s play “apples for Bob.” All you gotta do is find a guy named Bob (there are lots), then pelt him with apples. Good times.

You don’t have to give candy to trick-or-treaters, but if you do, it has to be good. Snickers, good. Necco wafers, not so much. Reese’s peanut butter cups? Awesome. Black licorice? Bogus.

If you choose your candy poorly and some kid eggs your house, you should be entitled to half that kid’s wages. For life.

When exorcising the demons from your home on all hallow’s eve, be sure to offer some parting gifts. Perhaps some mints. Or a nice bottle of brandy.

Belief in The Great Pumpkin should entitle you to tax breaks.

“It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” should run on TV 24-7 all week-long.

Even if my costume sucks, you WILL say how awesome it is. Oh, yes, you will say how awesome it IS.

If I knock on your door and your treats suck, YOU have to do  a trick for me. And none of that “guess my card” crap. Something good. Make an SUV disappear or something. Even better, make Ted Cruz disappear.

While we’re on the subject of politicians, no political masks. No Hillarys or Obamas, Reagans or Boehners. Our politicians have proven themselves to be caricatures of leaders. They don’t need our help for that.

Happy haunting to all of you.


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