williamallenpepper

Here's a blog because NOBODY else has one!

BLACK HOLE-Y CRAP

Conventional physics says if you fall into a black hole, you’re one unlucky bastard.

Wait. That’s not right.

Oh, yeah. What physics actually says is that if you fall into a black hole, everything is pretty cool – all things considered – until you pass the event horizon, a/k/a the point of no return. Then the shit hits the fan. The elongated, squashed, gravity smooshed (I think Stephen Hawking coined that term) shit hits the fan.

There’s a new school of thought, though, that says this long-standing idea about blackholes is just crap. The new theory is that when you fall into a blackhole, you aren’t actually squished into paste and left to spin in an endless void for all eternity, but rather, you’re squashed into paste…because you slam headfirst into the end of space itself. Literally. The border between everything that is and absolutely nothing. Then, some sort of quantum particles grind you up into literal nothingness.

This sort of goes against the idea that matter can’t disappear, just change forms. Also…eww.

Well, call me old-fashioned, but I’m old school. Yep, a big fan of the old-timey ways. (Full disclosure: I get kickbacks from the AARP. $1 for every time I use the word “old”. Of course, they pay in, half-gone, bottom of the purse Wint-o-green Life Savers.). The reason I know that matter continues to exist even after falling into the blackholes is because…

I know what’s in there. Stephen Hawking told me not to tell.

But I’ll tell it to you. Screw you, Hawking!

So here’s what’s floating around inside your neighborhood black hole: *looks over shoulder to make sure Hawking’s hit squad isn’t waiting to take out a blogger with the Death Star laser cannon*

A Starbucks (no surprise there)

“The Simpsons” episodes from back when they were funny.

The Millenium Falcon I played with as a kid, back when Star Wars was brand new. Had it one day, gone the next. Used to think this other kid stole it. Now pretty sure it was the black hole.

The ending that “Lost” should have had.

All the time I’ve spent waiting in line for people ahead of me to figure out the intricacies of a deli menu.

The last slice of pizza you were sure was still in the fridge.

Congress. (The quantum nothingness that black holes supposedly kick out is what’s governing us right now)

My downy innocence.

Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies.

Maximilian Schell. (Boom! Fairly obscure 1970s movie reference! That kind of stuff is really what blog are for.)

Don’t taken any wooden nickels. Don’t step in any black holes.

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