williamallenpepper

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I’M SORRY – VALENTINE’S DAY EDITION

Valentine’s Day looms. The romantics, the cheesy, the guilty significant others, and the desperate lovesick crowd the marketplace. All the cards, flowers, candy, jewelry, and edible underthings will be theirs. They must have these tokens of tribute to their loved ones. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT LOVE IS. DAMMIT.

But then from the heavens, the massive glowing object streaks across the sky. It barrels toward the Earth hot and fast, trailing white hot flame, crashing with enough force to shake those loony lovebirds from their reverie.

From the rubble of the Lover’s Lane Marketplace, Cupid emerges; weary, disheveled, manic. “Please, everyone! I bring you news from Valentine Future.”

“What is it?” Asked a doe-eyed, young woman clutching a Spain of hugging stuffed teddy bears she was planning to give to her widdle wuv bug.

“It is this,” Cupid said. “Wherever you make dinner reservations, it won’t be good enough. But if you make no reservations at all, well, sucks to be you.”

Then he keeled over.

Rejoice! February 14 is here! V-D is upon us!

Well, you know what I mean.

I’m sorry I booked a romantic weekend at the Sochi Hilton. But be honest, that hidden camera photo of you peeing in the hotel bathroom will look great over the fireplace, am I right?

I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything for Valentines Day. Can you believe the Target hackers got into ALL my accounts? Go figure. That new flat screen on my wall. I don’t know where that came from.

I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the Bieber breakfast special. I really thought those eggs just had oregano on them. On the upside, you were pretty mellow when they threw the second helping of eggs at you.

I’m sorry Hallmark doesn’t sell “Happy I’m Ambivalent About You” cards.

I’m sorry Valentine KIDNEYS never caught on. They’re easier to draw.

I’m sorry black isn’t the traditional color of Valentines Day because it goes with everything.

I’m sorry I licked all the candy in your box before I gave it to you. Still, I thought you’d be more grossed out when I spit the orange nougat ones back in there. I hate orange nougat.

I’m sorry I gave you underwear for Valentines. I thought you’d like it and I wasn’t using it anymore.

I’m sorry I sent you a dozen BAGS of flour, instead of a dozen FLOWERS. I thought it was funny. Oh, and also sorry the flour turned out to be cocaine.

I’m sorry I got drunk and passed out on Valentines Day. I have no clue how I ended up in a Cupid outfit. And I agree. Changing my diaper for me was above and beyond the call of duty.

Here’s hoping your dearly beloved doesn’t get sick of you before next Valentines Day!

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