williamallenpepper

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I’M SORRY – ST. PATTY’S DAY EDITION

Either there’s a leprechaun in my cranium dancing the hokey-pokey or it was an awesome St. Patty’s Day. (You might have expected the leprechaun to do an Irish jig, but he’s unpredictable that way. Damn him.)

So, I survived another one. Nothing to do now but sit back and wait for the phalanx of process servers to march up to the walls of ye olde Gaelic castle and deliver the bevy of lawsuits which surely await me.

Better start digging that moat of Guinness.

Whilst I wait for my minions to fetch my moat digging attire, I shall dip deep into my pot o’ gold…plaited apologies for the wrongs I have perpetrated.

Cue the shillelagh.

I’m sorry that Irish whisky is so tasty. Really, really, really, really, really *passes out*

I’m sorry moldy cheese doesn’t count as festive green St. Patrick’s Day fare. I forgot to go shopping. So sue me.

I’m sorry you weren’t amused when I promised you a treasure chest full of jewels for your birthday, then gave you a bowl of Lucky Charms instead. It was funny! Really. Don’t you think it was funny? Hey, where you going?

I’m sorry that, as it turns out, St. Patrick and “Dallas” star Patrick Duffy are NOT the same guy. Boy was that awkward.

I’m sorry the luck of the Irish is a poor substitute for a functioning parking brake. But how ironic is it that the car rolled down hill right into a St. Patty’s day parade? ON ST. PATTY’s DAY. Note: I may not actually understand irony.

I’m sorry that my plan to export to St. Patrick’s Day the Mardi Gras tradition of throwing beads to get people to flash you never caught on. Equally sorry for injuring all those bewildered people walking by. I hope to apologize at my arraignment.

I’m sorry I forgot which rainbow I left my pot of gold at the end of. Have you seen it? Big, archy-looking thing? Really colorful? Answers to the name Evelyn?

I’m sorry that St. Patrick’s Day comes but once a year. Picking up empty bottles on Tuesday, March 18th keeps me in Hershey bars and thumbtacks well into the end of July.

I’m sorry those green plastic St. Patty’s Day hats you get at the drug store don’t hold more liquid. Because…reasons.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

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