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Mother’s Day has come.

While waiting for Mom to post your bail clean your room chew your food for you relax her weary self as you do something nice for her as payback for all she’s done for you, it’s also a good time to express to her all the ways you’ve been a horrendous offspring. To whit:

I’m sorry about sending you that particular card for Mother’s Day. In my defense, “Mother F’n Cards.com” could have had cards relevant to the holiday. And admit it, you laughed.

I’m sorry my mother punched your mother right in the nose. If it helps make you feel better, I didn’t know what color the blood was either.

I’m sorry for my Mother’s Day gift. I thought that bottle would make a nice vase. I kept the scotch for myself. So sue me.

I’m sorry for what I did in the family photo. In my defense, the photo was my brother’s idea and he’s an idiot. Should have known better.

I’m sorry Mother’s Day brunch didn’t go well. How was I supposed to know you were allergic to eggs? Okay, so, yeah, I’ve known you the whole forty years of my life…

I’m sorry I didn’t call on Mother’s Day. I couldn’t get good phone reception. Whatever you’re insulating your basement with, it wreaks havoc with cell reception. By the way, I need more Pop-Tarts down here.

I’m sorry Mother’s Day comes but once a year. Especially since visitations at the prison are allowed EVERY WEEK.

I’m sorry for my other Mother’s Day gift. But, hey, you and Dad have something in common. He hated that tie too, when I gave it to him for Father’s Day last year.

I’m sorry the kids didn’t call on Mother’s Day. In hindsight, I suppose I should have given them our number.

I’m sorry I was so hard to raise. On the other hand, Dr. Parks says your therapy is coming along nicely.

I’m sorry for giving you a box of candy for Mother’s Day. I agree. The orange crèmes are neither orangey nor creamy enough for any sane person. What the hell was I thinking?

I’m sorry my sister couldn’t be at your party. Restraining orders can be so…restrictive.

I’m sorry for writing you that song. While it’s true that flatulence is hilarious,  a Mother’s Day song is not necessarily the best showcase.

I’m sorry I don’t have an ending for this piece about being sorry on Mother’s Day. On the other hand, Dr. Parks says my therapy is coming along nicely.


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