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Whether you had to post bail or he was released on his own recognizance, all across the land, dads have been enjoying Father’s Day with their families.

Meanwhile, families who have to see their dads ALL THE TIME and not just on alternating Sundays between two and four, have been enjoying recycled gifts from Christmas and awkward small talk over grilled burgers burnt on the outside and raw on the inside.

But now it’s time to put down the whisky/tranquilizers/weaponry and face up to your Father’s Day shortcomings. Cheers to you, Daddy-O!

I’m sorry you found the necktie I got you distasteful. I still think if you’d turned over the dead the guy it was attached to and got a better look, you’d feel different.

I’m sorry I picked the wrong wine to go with the grilled steaks. But I really, really, really want that pony! I’ll take care of it, honest! Next time, I’ll wine about America’s crumbling infrastructure.

I’m sorry breakfast in bed didn’t work out. Next time, I’ll wait until you’re awake before pelting you with hard boiled eggs.

I’m sorry about the fire. I get now that “If a bonfire is good, a BON-flagration must be better” is not a good motto.

I’m sorry I said Superman would be a better dad than you. On the other hand, have you seen you in tights?

I’m sorry the dads on TV sitcoms are usually dumb. Nothing to do with you, really. It just bugs me.

I’m sorry about the softball game. I really did think there was a bee on your shoulder. Yes, a rolled up newspaper would have been a better thing to whack it with. But on the upside, the drugs are awesome, aren’t they? Happy Father’s Day bonus!

I’m sorry I spent the whole party shouting, “no need to get a father’s day gift for me. I have no kids…that I KNOW of!” Over and over…

I’m sorry I said my dad could beat up your dad. But I really think you should have warned me your mom was a black belt. Not cool, man.

Happy ParoleFather’s Day!


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