williamallenpepper

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I’M SORRY -ST. PADDY’S DAY EDITION 2015

Once again, the time ‘o the wearin’ o’ the green jock strap is upon us. (You celebrate how you want. I’ll celebrate how I want.) it’s also the time o’ putting “o'” in front of everything, burnishing your Irish credentials even as you royally piss off your computer auto correct.

Also, given that the holiday has “St.” In its name, this is clearly a good time to revel in your guilt and moral failings. You can cleanse your pallet of the corned beef and cabbage of regret; kick the leprechaun in the ass of bad feeling and steal it’s pot of gold stars for good choices.

Or you could save time and watch your DVD of “Waking Ned Devine”.

I’ve had six sugary Shamrock shakes and a bottle of Jameson’s today, so this should go quick, but most likely not painless. Sorry about that.

I’m sorry about making Guiness cupcakes. I thought your crowd would like them. What do kindergarteners know anyway?

I’m sorry I ruined your garden last summer. I know you still hold a grudge about it. I just figured if corn grew well, why not corned beef? Now what are we going to eat for St. Patrick’s Day?

I’m sorry leprechauns don’t come in other sizes.

I’m sorry that on our trip to Ireland, I asked everyone to play the bagpipes. I totally get now that’s a Norwegian thing.

I’m sorry booby traps are illegal. Regardless, NOBODY is gonna mess with my pot o’ gold. My phalanx of snakes ousted by St. Patrick will have to do.

I’m sorry there was no pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. You’ll just have to get by with that basket full of Apple watches.

I’m sorry Bailey’s Irish cream stopped making mint. Thank goodness for Guinness Blonde though.

I’m sorry the official color of the holiday is green. My green t-shirt has a hole in it. I have an awesome orange shirt though. I’ll make some calls, get this changed.

I’m sorry the restraining order the city got on me after last year’s St. Patrick’s Day hasn’t expired yet. Who will flash the crowd for gold-foiled chocolate coins now?

I’m sorry St. Patrick’s Day lasts just one day. Hey! In Ireland, it’s like a 365 day holiday, right?

If only…

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