THE MONTH OF MAY: NOT FOR SISSIES

Once all the major holidays were set and the configuration of the seasons laid out, the elder whatevers in charge of all this (vaguely Muppet-like ferrets in funny hats) sat back and puffed their cigars, satisfied with a job well done. This was long ago before smoking was considered bad. Plus, if you’re an elder ferret in a hat with the ability to construct a calendar and shape the seasons, who the hell is going yo stop you?

So, there they sat, waiting to order dessert on the company tab and go home. But then, a wee voice in the back – probably Henderson, the bastard – pointed out that, really, there’s not much going on April and May. Those months are sort of like the states of Kansas and Rhode Island; nice enough, but not headline-worthy.

“Well,” a ferret in a top hat with one scrawny flower on it, “It could rain a lot in April. And maybe that rain could make the flowers grow in May.”

“April showers bring May flowers,” said the ferret with the propeller beanie whose poetry usually just annoyed people.

Today, though, everyone thought this sounded great. Also, their parking meters were about to expire.

“Yeah, but…” ear-muff ferret said, “Shouldn’t May have something too?”

A collective groan.

“Flowers, ” someone said.

“Yeah…,” earmuff said, not at all enthusiastic. “Only, maybe something, I dunno, flashier?”

“Screw it,” the ferret jingling his car keys said. “Just make it snow in May one time. It’ll freak everyone out.”

“And after that, they’ll be happy when May is boring.”

And so it was done.

Even with such a cogent explanation, this spring seems strange. Are you kidding me, weather? A foot of snow falls a few hours north of me? Kids get a snow day while, where I live, it’s eighty-five?

May isn’t a month for sissies anymore.

In other shocking May news, Lindsay Lohan is in rehab. I know! I’m as surprised as you.

May, man, MAY.

What other certainties of life were upended? Well, according to the video (there’s video now for everything. Pretty sure someone is recording me writing this blog. When it ends up on YouTube, I really hope you’re not squeamish.)

Anyway, turns out the video proves Reese Witherspoon IS NOT PERFECT.

Sit down. Catch your breath. Collect yourselves.

My three-year-old has, several times, cleaned up his toys WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

May is a long month. That 31st day is a killer. But we’ll get through it. And we punch on through to June, well, then there’s Father’s Day and the start of summer (unless that’s in July. Too lazy to Google it – a new low in laziness. Yay, me!)

Stick together everyone. Things will get better.