So, the past couple weeks have been big for national politics. And not just because of deflated footballs.
No less than forty-eight candidates have declared their intent to run for president so far. And it’s only May. 2015.
It was bound to happen, I suppose. We’ve had the current guy for a while now. And there’s no shortage of
narcissists power-mongers concerned Americans who want to step up and lead this country out of the stuff you think is shitty and into a brighter whatever you desire to be brighter.
So running for president is all the rage. Come on, everyone’s doin’ it!
So, here I come…
I am officially announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.
[Pause and look inspiringly at the assembled throng of supporters, basking in their adoration and randomly tossed flowers and assorted undergarments.]
Now, there are a few ground rules for my candidacy:
1. If I win, I can’t move to the White House. Had to promise the wife that one.
2. No going on the campaign trail. I’m not much of a traveler because hotel beds always suck and unusual food throws off my digestion. You want to know what I think about stuff, you gotta come to me.
3. I am not actually going to register as a candidate. I think there’s a fee or something? And maybe a petition? Getting signatures on a petition requires talking to people. Eww.
4. I will not be choosing a running mate. Who needs the competition? Same reason you don’t hang out with people hotter and smarter than you. And it’s just awkward. You fight over who gets the good bunk on the campaign bus. Who gets the last drumstick at the rubber chicken fundraising dinners?Which brings me to the next point:
5. No fundraising. Don’t send me any money. I don’t want it. Well, I do, but I’m totally gonna spend it on Doctor Who DVD’s, bourbon and cookie dough ice cream. Not a single dime of your dollars in my pocket will go toward my campaign. Let that be my first campaign promises. Oh, by the way…
6. No campaign promises. Who needs the pressure? Everyone knows candidates don’t keep their promises. “No new taxes”, anyone? How’d that work out? “We’ll close Guantanamo within a year.” Right. “I did not have sex with…”
Well, okay, here’s one promise: The United States will still exist in some capacity when I leave office.
7. In the run up to the election, will not be debating the other candidates. I’m right. They’re wrong. What is there to debate? Likewise, no “town hall meetings” because of that whole interacting with the public thing.
If you follow my simple rules and vote for me, here’s what you get in return: a president beholden to no one. I don’t like anybody so special interest groups aren’t going to be a problem. I’ll do what I want to do when I want to do it. If you don’t like it, fine. I’ll be in the Oval Office binge watching “House of Cards” if you change your mind.
You also get a president who believes in limited government. Limited in the sense that I don’t actually want to do any work. The rest of the government can do what it wants. Fight that war. Don’t fight that war. Health care for all. Health care for none. Whatever you want. You can make the border as secure as you want too, just so long as I can get to Tijuana for Mardi Gras (that’s where it is, right?) and Quebec for some poutine.
So get on the train, America! Follow me on Twitter @carnivalofglee and spread the word about my campaign – #COGIN2016. If every one of my followers brings along ten of their followers, why, together, there will be enough of us to take back this country. Or at least enough to put a dent in one of those Subway party subs.
A win either way. (Someone who cares about campaigning should totally put that on a bumper sticker.)