williamallenpepper

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Archive for the tag “diet”

CELERY AND OTHER USELESS FOODS

I like food.

You like food.

Lots of us like food. Some more that others.

Some, like my kids, have sort of an adversarial relationship with food. They’re always wary, always suspicious that the tortilla might be hiding a red pepper; that the sauce might have mushrooms in it. Other days, their relationship with their food is like some f-ed up soap opera relationship; one day they love chicken, the next day it’s garbage, the day after that it’s the best creation ever – after the iPad.

Some, it is safe to say, like food a little too much. They shop for only the finest cheese in can; the crustiest bread; the snootiest wine. They build shrines to food: boutique restaurants and TV networks.

So food is important to us for many reasons that, nutritional and otherwise. And there’s a lot of great stuff out there, even for common folk like me. Nice cuts of meat. Fresh veggies. Decadent deserts.

And yet…

For all the great food out there, there are the other things in the fridge. The foodstuffs we don’t talk about. The ones we look at and think, “Who the hell would eat that?” The food we don’t quite understand how it crawled up on our plates and claimed a place on our food pyramid.

Take mushrooms, for example. For the record, I love mushrooms; on steak, in sauces, on pizza. Good stuff. Thing is, I don’t have a clue what good they are, nutritionally. My sense is they are good for you, but I don’t know why. Also, I feel a little guilty whenever I eat a mushroom and thereby leave yet another Smurf homeless.

Celery. It’s a lovely shade of green. It’s crunchy so you can pretend you’re snapping twigs or bones or whatever trips your trigger when you eat it. It warns the fifth Doctor by turning purple when certain gases he’s allergic to are present. (Ding. Obligatory Doctor Who reference.) But still, as a food (well, let’s not kid ourselves – as something food-like), it’s nothing but a place holder. It’s something you put on the plate for garnish, but that’s about it.

Speaking of garnish…

Parsley. Once in a while, a restaurant will put a parsley sprig on your entrée. You throw it off the plate and get on with eating the actually food. When I was a kid, Mom would roast potatoes in the oven and sprinkle parsley flakes over them. In college, I had a rabbit who loved the shit out a mound of parsley for breakfast. That’s the extent of my parsley knowledge. What is this stuff around for?

Water chestnuts. What are these? Veggie? Fruit? Garnish? None of the above? I have no idea. All I do know is they get in the way of my Chinese food. The only upside is playing table-top hockey with the egg rolls as sticks. I’ve been banned from four restaurants so far. But my goal percentage is really improving.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a grocery store that stocks only foods I developed a taste for as a ten-year-old.

THE BEST HALLOWEEN CANDY. PERIOD. AND ANOTHER PERIOD.

Okay, first things first.

Don’t eat too much candy. Too much candy is bad for you. Sugar buzzes aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. It rots your teeth. Makes you fat. And, of course, there’s our friend King Diabetes.

But…

A little candy is a very good thing. Science is even with me on this. Remember all those studies that say a little chocolate every day is good for your heart> A Hershey’s Kiss. A morsel of this. A nugget of that…and you’re living to be three-hundred.

So…

By extension, the industrial drum of candy you can haul in on Halloween with a little plan should pretty much make you immortal, shouldn’t it? Everywhere you turn during the Halloween season, people are shoving their sugary wares in your face. Why not dive in?

Well, because being choosy can pay off. Anyone can shove any random pixie stick and peanut log into their food holes. But what if you fill up on that crap before you get to the good stuff? We can only eat so much, people. Make it count. I say, be discriminating. Scrutinize what the Webbers are offering. And the Petersons. And that creepy old dude at the end of the block. Turn your nose up at fake peanut butter and hard candies with “fruit” goo in the middle. And if the old man offers you pencils or pennies instead, egg his house*. He’s old! He totally can’t catch you!

*NOTE: The blog does not endorse vandalism of any kind. Except flaming poo. That’s always awesome.

“But, Bill,” you say, “there are so many kinds of candy out there. How do I know which candy is worth my daily allotted masticating time?”

Hey, look, what you do in the privacy of your home is – wait! MASTICATING! Like, chewing, right? Sorry, thought you meant something else, entirely. In that case, yours is an excellent question. And I’m here to help.

*Trumpet fanfare*

THE BEST HALLOWEEN CANDY EVER*

1. Hershey bars. Alone, awesome. With almonds…MEGA-AWESOME!

2.Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Chocolate meets peanut butter. No greater unions were ever forged that didn’t involve a Kardashian.

3. Snickers. Packed with flavor, Snickers really KICKS ASS!

4. Milky Way. Sure, it’s Snickers poor cousin, but there’s something about a Milky Way bar and a glass of milk that is just…*sigh*

5. Pack of gum. Any kind, except sugarless. I always liked getting gum for Halloween. Sometimes, let’s be honest, you want to take a break from all that chocolate and caramel. Chewing some gum in the off times is like letting your jaw idle while you tend to other things.

6. Smarties Sweet Tarts. Accept no substitutes. These are the little round ones that look like aspirin tables wrapped in a cellophane tube. They taste good and you can eat them all in one sitting and pretend you’re over-dosing on narcotics, just like your heroes!

7. Anything that a neighbor offers you in the full-sized package rather than the fun sized. Bigger is ALWAYS better. Except punches to the face.

8. M&Ms. Plain are okay. Peanut are better. Peanut butter are….omgiomg! NOM NOM NOM!

9. York Peppermint Patty. As with the Smarties, accept no substitutes. There’s just something about that one, round chocolate disk…what makes it think it’s so good it can come in its own package alone. Cool, refreshing mint? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yum.

10.  Twix candy bar. Smooth chocolate. Creamy caramel. Crunchy cookie. Perfect. The caveat here is IT HAS TO BE A FULL SIZE CANDY. I find the fun sized Twix somehow unsatisfying. It’s probably Freudian. I’ve been afraid to look under that rock.

*Candy manufacturers who are reading this blog, and I know you all do, should, in no way, feel obligated to reciprocate my generous endorsement of your products with massive quantities of free treats. Really, don’t sweat it. Hello? Hello?

So who wants to fight me on this? Pixie sticks at ten paces.

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