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Archive for the tag “New Year’s”

GOODNIGHT, 2017!

(With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown)

In the year gone by,

There was the inauguration of the 45th US President

And fidget spinners

And a picture of

The sun blocked by the moon

And three sets of women changed the world: Wonder Woman, #MeToo, the 13th Doctor (Who)

And ten Earth-like planets, 40 light years away.

And hurricanes blew things away

And Obamacare wasn’t repealed

And Cub Scouts chose to allow girls

And Comey and Gorsuch and North Korean  in a nuclear rush

And assault victims demanded no more saying “hush”.

Goodnight, Rickles

Goodnight, Adam West

Goodnight, Gene Cernan who jumped over the moon

Goodnight, Tom Petty

And gun victims gone too soon

Goodnight, wild fires

Goodnight, Chuck Barris

Goodnight, Mary Tyler Moore

And goodnight, ‘net, neutral no more

Goodnight, Judge Wapner

And goodnight, Hugh Hefner

Goodnight, Ringling Brothers

And all those who help others.

Goodnight, Dick Gregory.

And goodnight, original Godzilla, master of the Tokyo crush

Goodnight, nobody.

Goodnight, Keystone Pipeline oil gush

And goodnight to the powerful, white men whispering “hush”.

Goodnight, Northern White Rhino, we fear

Goodnight, air.

Goodnight, noises everywhere.

 

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GOODNIGHT, 2014!

(With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown)

In the year gone by,

There was a Manson marriage

And a polar vortex

And a picture of –

Olympic athletes jumping over the moon

And there was a bid for Scottish independence

And no extra Olive Garden breadsticks

But we got a free U2 album

(Much to our dismay. Weirdly.)

 And too many shootings

And too many hostages

 And legal pot and ebola and Kim K’s oiled-up tush

And huge CVS pharmacy told smokers to “hush”

 Goodnight Seth Rogan’s “The Interview”

Goodnight Robin Williams

 Good night Arthur “Rudolph/Frosty/Santa Claus” Rankin and Larry “Yukon Cornelius” Mann

 Goodnight Tom “Car Talk” Magliozzi

And Russell “The Professor” Johnson

Goodnight Pete Seeger

Goodnight Ukraine

 Goodnight Norman “Clifford” Bridwell

And goodnight Japanese whale hunting

 Goodnight Heartbleed Internet bug

And goodnight Gabriel Garcia Marquez

 Goodnight Harold Ramis

 And goodnight Rubin “Hurricane” Carter 

Goodnight Ladies’ Home Journal

 And goodnight NFL player scandals

Goodnight nobody

 Goodnight depressing news mush

 And goodnight to the US

Telling Cuba to “hush”

 Goodnight stars

 Goodnight air

 Goodnight noises everywhere

 *Phew* 2015 better not be so…challenging, lest we develop a global drinking problem.

 

HOLIDAY AFTERMATH

Thanksgiving.

Hanukkah.

Christmas.

New Year’s.

The holiday season blazed through on a comet’s tail of sugar and other assorted calories, endless reunions with relatives, alcohol and credit card debt.

But now it’s over. All around us are pants that don’t fit right, new toys were stumbling over and others – still in their packaging – that you just haven’t had time to open. Gift cards fill your wallet and you’re still snacking on leftover holiday cookies. A lot of kids are still off school, which means so are a lot of their parents.

It’s sort of like it’s still the holiday season only without the paid days off.

Remember how after M*A*S*H got cancelled in 1983, there was short-lived sequel called AfterMASH about the exploits of Potter, Klinger and Mulcahy? The post-holiday season is a little like that. The same stuff is around you. It looks sort of the same. But it’s not the same. You can put Klinger in a dress in Missouri instead of Korea or turn on Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas” on December 28 but it’s not the same. Everything belongs where it belongs, when it belongs there.

Wait. That’s a crappy comparison. Must be tired from all the celebrating. Why try to extend the holidays past their normal expiration dates anyway? They’re exhausting. And expensive. (Put those words together and you get “expen-ting”. Just a little bonus blog-nugget for you.)

But, hey, January’s here. Time to relax.

So…how many days until Memorial Day?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, this is it.

If you’ve got any 2013 business left, you’ve got mere hours left to do it. Then everything stamped 2013 expires like milk, lunch meat and Miley Cyrus’s popularity.

Of course, if you’re reading this after December 31, then 2014 has already crashed down amongst us like that one weird uncle who comes around every year about now, uninvited and looking for gas money. And if 2014 is anything like 2013, then that weird uncle is taking up residence in your spare room and parking his boxers on your sofa for the duration. You’re screwed, sister. Might as well just crawl into bed with a box of Oreos until January 1, 2015.

But let’s not lose hope. There’s still a chance you could get what you want out of the new year. What is it? A new job? Better Job? Any job?

To finish school? Finish some sort of necessary and/or elective health treatment? Finish the Harry Potter books? (Spoiler: his name was Rosebud.)

Maybe you want to go somewhere new in 2014. Somewhere exotic and endangered perhaps. Like the Great Barrier Reef. Or war-torn Middle East. Or an independent bookstore.

Maybe your goal in 2014 is to acquire a new skill. Learn a foreign language. Learn to skydive. Or figure out how to make your Android phone talk to you iPad. (It could be a long year.)

So many possibilities. Me, I’m just looking forward to more writing. Good health. Maybe an enjoyable adult beverage or two.

What does the new year have in store for you?

I’M SORRY: NEW YEAR’S EVE EDITION

*A soft knock. Pause. The gentle shifting of feet on carpet. A whispered, “You in there?”.  “Come on. It’s me. We’re cool, right?” Another knock followed by unsolicited entry.*

WOOO! That was some party, huh? Hey, wake up! I got something to get off my chest.

What am I doing here? You invited me. Whaddaya mean “when”? New Year’s Eve. Wait…what day is it? Whoops.

Sorry.

No really. I mean it this time.

I’m sorry I was late to the party…because I was making out with your sister.

I’m sorry I thought it was a costume party.  But I did look awesome in the diaper.

I’m sorry I made you change my diaper.

I’m sorry I sang “Suck it 2012!” at the top of my lungs for an entire hour.

I’m sorry I sang the porno version of “Auld Lang Syne”.

I’m sorry I laughed at your resolutions.

I’m sorry I resolved to “eat a shitload of cheese,” then did.

I’m sorry I put my pointy party hat where I put it. It seemed like it would be funny.

I’m sorry I spit all over you during the New Year’s toast, but I didn’t know champagne tasted so crappy.

I’m sorry that we humans are so consumed by the cheap, hollow pursuits of daily life – TV, computers, rush hour commutes – that are poor substitutes for actually living that we lose site of the fact that time is fleeting are our individual shares of it are so small. *Burp*

I’m sorry I asked every single person at the party, “You want to join me in the closet for one more regret you can make up for in 2013?”

I’m sorry I punched that person who thought my idea about celebrating New Year’s semi-annually was stupid. But, dammit, your mother had it coming. NO ONE disrespects me that way!

I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better friend in 2012. Except that we never met before.

I’m sorry the cops are waiting for me outside.

Same time next year?

GOODNIGHT, 2012!

A look back at the past year, presented in the style of “Goodnight Moon”, the popular children’s book.
(With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown)

In the year gone by
There were elections

And a fiscal cliff
And a picture of –

Mickey Mouse as a Wookie (not really, but it’s coming)

And there were scandals a-plenty – like Petraeus and Elmo

And two deceased “Sweathogs” – Epstein and Horshack
And the Olympics in London with Mars Curiosity overhead

And Apple sued Samsung

And no one to Facebook’s IPO rushed

And a bunch of states told gay marriage haters to “hush”

Goodnight Kodak

Goodnight bacon shortage (dodged a bullet there!)

Goodnight “Soul Train” Don Cornelius – Yukon Cornelius lives still

Goodnight Whitney Houston and George McGovern
And Continental Airlines
Goodnight Nora Ephron and space jumper Felix Baumgartner
Goodnight Monkee Davey Jones and disgraced Lance Armstrong

Goodnight Hostess

And goodnight Gore Vidal

Goodnight hurricanes and earthquakes and replacement refs
And goodnight politicians talking way too much about vaginas

Goodnight Space X private cargo rocket with James Doohan’s ashes

And goodnight North Korean rockets, Syrian revolution

Goodnight Ernest Borgnine and Sherman Hemsley

And goodnight Ear Scruggs, Andy Griffith and Sally Ride

Goodnight Dick Clark and Mike Wallace and Neil Armstrong

Goodnight union battles and Penn State horrors

And goodnight to Supreme Court who told Obamacare critics to “hush”

Goodnight Colorado

Goodnight Connecticut

Goodnight violence everywhere

BRING ON 2013!

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