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Archive for the tag “Obamacare”


(With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown)

In the year gone by,

There was the inauguration of the 45th US President

And fidget spinners

And a picture of

The sun blocked by the moon

And three sets of women changed the world: Wonder Woman, #MeToo, the 13th Doctor (Who)

And ten Earth-like planets, 40 light years away.

And hurricanes blew things away

And Obamacare wasn’t repealed

And Cub Scouts chose to allow girls

And Comey and Gorsuch and North Korean  in a nuclear rush

And assault victims demanded no more saying “hush”.

Goodnight, Rickles

Goodnight, Adam West

Goodnight, Gene Cernan who jumped over the moon

Goodnight, Tom Petty

And gun victims gone too soon

Goodnight, wild fires

Goodnight, Chuck Barris

Goodnight, Mary Tyler Moore

And goodnight, ‘net, neutral no more

Goodnight, Judge Wapner

And goodnight, Hugh Hefner

Goodnight, Ringling Brothers

And all those who help others.

Goodnight, Dick Gregory.

And goodnight, original Godzilla, master of the Tokyo crush

Goodnight, nobody.

Goodnight, Keystone Pipeline oil gush

And goodnight to the powerful, white men whispering “hush”.

Goodnight, Northern White Rhino, we fear

Goodnight, air.

Goodnight, noises everywhere.



I stand here – Well, standing is an overstatement, isn’t? I lie here pinned under the weight of America’s recent dramatic upheavals over Obamacare and same sex marriage. The pillars of our democracy are crumbling under our feet. Oh, wait, that’s just dirt. It’s filthy around here. Seriously, doesn’t anybody clean anymore?

It’s been a momentous couple weeks. America had a lot to be proud of – not the Kardashians, we should still be ashamed about that – in the run up to this year’s Independence Day. Hot dogs for everyone! Except vegetarians. And picky eaters. And anyone, really. Seriously, you ever thought about what’s really in a hot dog?

So we were feeling pretty good for a while. Confident. Proud of ourselves. A little cocky even. But then…

Independence Day came.

And you screwed up, didn’t you?

Come on, you know what you did. Time to ‘fess up. It’s the America way.

I’m sorry about the fireworks display. Everyone does fireworks after dark. I thought sunrise fireworks would be awesome. Excuse me for trying something new.

I’m sorry I stabbed you in the foot with a spork. I really do believe Aaron Burr was a way cooler founding father than John Hancock. I just get too passionate about it sometimes.

I’m sorry I complained that your s’mores marshmallows were inferior. I admit that someone chanting “don’t give me s’more, give me s’less” over and over could get a little annoying.

I’m sorry you didn’t like the tri-corner hat I wore to your Independence Day party. I spent a lot of time on it and didn’t have time to finish the rest of the costume. Which is why I showed up naked.

I’m sorry about the potato salad. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. It was normal potato salad. And, as we all know, potato salad is gross. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I’m sorry I suggested drinking a beer for every state in the union. Excuuuuusee me for being patriotic. You know, when you wake up.

I really hope the Supreme Court does something else awesome quick to provide some cover for me.



Well, I’m just a bill. Yes, I’m only a bill. And I’m sittin’ here on Capitol Hill..

No. Fuck it. I’m not just a bill. I can’t get off that easy. I’m a huge embarrassment.

I’m the federal government.

And I’m everything that’s wrong with America.

Well, except the Kardashians. I’m not claiming responsibility for them.

We teach our kids to be nice. To share. To respect people. Then they grow up and because they’re such awesome people now,thanks to our excellent parenting, we encourage them to run for public office.

So they do.

And everything goes to hell.

So, this is me, your federal government, apologizing. Begging your forgiveness.

You know about the big stuff. National parks are closed. Nonessential employees don’t get paid. But there are so many, many more egregious consequences of this shut down. (Congress members still get paid though! Woot woot!)

And now, the reading of the sins.

I’m sorry that because the shut down forced the government to send “nonessential” employees home, there was no one available to return Ted Cruz’s copy of “Green Eggs and Ham” to the Library of Congress. Even we think a seven trillion dollar fine is excessive.

I’m sorry Harry Reid’s personal “dude who attaches the garters to the black knee highs” was also let go. No one wants to see wrinkled old guy ankles.

I’m sorry that there aren’t more “time out” corners in the capitol.

I’m sorry Netflix service to the White House has been interrupted. President Obama was only half way through marathoning “Orange is the New Black”.

I’m sorry  the Statue of Liberty is making noises about not coming back after the shutdown.

I’m sorry the oath of government office doesn’t come with a lie detector test.

I’m sorry some people enjoy power more than governing. But, hey, we all love Oreos, am I right?

I’m sorry politicians spend so much time claiming to fight for “the will of the American people” without ever actually asking the people what they want.

I’m sorry the Congressional cafeteria only has two kinds of Jell-O nowbut we all have to make sacrifices.

I’m sorry that I’m too tired, too disillusioned, too sad to think of more sories.

And that is the sorriest thing of all.

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