Recently, at our day job, a police officer gave a lecture on workplace safety. It was informative. Appreciated. Useful. But, I think, a little misplaced. Who is more likely to (a) accidentally injure themselves or (b) snap and try to take out the schnauzer next door than a lonely writer/pyramid scheme deviser who is shut up alone in the spare bedroom all day?
So, this is for you all, reading this at your home computer, washer and wailing children droning in the background. Just a few suggestions to keep you all safe in your home offices. No need to thank me.
- The Dangly Detector: Many workplaces have metal detectors to keep people from bringing in things they shouldn’t, like weapons and metal pans of cauliflower for the office snack day (I hate cauliflower. Also, who the hell brings vegetables to office snack day?!?!?!?!)
There’s not much worry about you bringing something like this into your own home. But you do still need a detector at your front door. Consider: when you work at home, you’re not bound by any employer’s dress code. You wear what you want to wear. Or as little as you want. Alfresco computing and collating is totally fine under the home employee manual. BUT…occasionally you do have to leave the house for a meeting or to pick up pipe cleaners for your home “presidential likenesses” business. And for that, you need to slap on some skivvies and coral whatever you had been allowing to run free. The Dangly Detector will alert you if you try to leave the house with unintended exposed anatomy.
- The Boredom Suspension System: You know how it is, you’re alone in the house. No noise save for the occasional mew of the family house cat, allowing you a brief work respite to play crinkly ball with the feline. But then it’s back to work. It’s quiet, not very exciting. The words on the page blur before your eyes as they flutter, ushering you into unconsciousness. The head nods…
Well, sleep on the job no more! With our Boredom Suspension Process (Patent pending – don’t even think of stealing it. Look what happened to Samsung), you’ll have a serious of levers and pullies at your back – and neck and head and groin – to keep your head up. To awaken you, a series of precision-tuned lasers are directed into your eyeballs – or will be once we get the okay from the government. That shouldn’t be a problem.
- Toast! The extra exclamation point is for how important this one is. What is the single biggest productivity killer for the American worker? Other than Twitter? That’s right: snack cravings. You’re sitting there, maybe you’re hungry, maybe you’re not. The spreadsheet spread out before you is way less interesting than the baklava in the fridge. Well, not all of us home workers have baklava on hand all the time – or a fridge – so we need another approach. We humbly suggest: a toaster, locked and loaded with your favorite bread substance. Cheap and tasty, just like the smell of a job well done. Or something.
Feel free to substitute microwavable egg cups if you wish. That is, if you don’t mind UNDERMINING THE ENTIRE ECONOMY SENDING US ALL INTO A FINANCIAL HELL PIT WHERE FOOD IS LITERALLY RIPPED FROM OUR CHILDREN’S MOUTHS! But you know, do what you want.
- A Big Dog. A big dog serves many purposes for the home-based worker. It’s a companion to combat loneliness. It’s a sounding board for the account pitch you just wrote up. It gives you poop-related breaks throughout the day. It barfs on your keyboard. And a loyal dog has absolutely no qualms about taking out that jerk at the door bearing political literature if you’ll just give the command already.
Seriously. Get a dog.
President Obama, I just saved the US from another recession by jacking American productivity. By election day, the roads will be paved with gold and every single Kardashian will be off TV. You’ve got this one sewn up. The campaign is over. Just go ahead and send your leftover campaign funds to me. Thanks.